


Better Than I Know Myself

by CheshireKatt357



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 19:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4677911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheshireKatt357/pseuds/CheshireKatt357
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A song on the radio reminds Libi of a past she's lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than I Know Myself

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Adam Lambert's Better Than I Know Myself.

Major downside to rooming with your two best friends who happen to be a couple: having to deal with the awkward tension when they have a lover’s spat, particularly the more vicious ones. Anya and Damian where a rather unorthodox couple with Anya having the stereotypical red-head’s short temper and Damian being as stubborn as a brick wall, but somehow they made it work…except when they didn’t.

As much as they loved each other, they would fight over the stupidest things. Like directions to wherever it was we were going. The couple had sprung a surprise trip on me last night after dinner for the long weekend, saying that we needed to get out and get some fresh air. Why they didn’t just take a couples retreat, I don’t know. Actually, I do know. I don’t get out much, ever really. I go to the café-bookshop I own, to the diner down the block, and home. The most exciting thing I do is go to the movies. Anya and Damian, bless them, go out of their way to make me get out and be adventurous.

“Hey, Damian, do you mind turning on the radio?” I asked as nicely as I could, finally having enough of the tense silence.

Damian obliged by stabbing the power button on the radio consul and then turning up the volume dial.

_“Cold as ice, and more bitter than a December winter night; that's how I treated you.”_

I frowned. What was with the angsty love songs these days? It was like they were haunting me.

_“And I know that I-I sometimes tend to lose my temper, and I cross the line. Yeah that's the truth.”_

Nope, not going there, not going there, nope.

_“I know it gets hard sometimes, but I could never leave your side no matter what I say. Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now, but I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you're the only one that knows me better than I know myself.”_

* * *

 

I sat in a wingback chair in front of the fireplace, cold despite the roaring blaze. The whole mansion was cold, pristine, desolate; I hated it, but I endured because Jefferson loved it. He loved the pomp and circumstance, the shiny, the pretty. I was his exact opposite. I preferred simple, homely things. I curled deeper into the chair and wrapped my purple, knitted sweater that Jefferson hated. If I could suffer a house and the dresses and jewelry he would constantly buy for me, he could suffer one measly sweater. Speaking of my husband…

The front door creaked open and I stood to face it.

“You’re late.” I said.

“I got you something!” he sang, his blue eyes sparkling.

“Jefferson…” I sighed. He always did this.

“It’s even in your favorite color.”

He pulled a beautiful golden locket embedded with amethysts out of a small bag.

“That’s nice, Jefferson.”

“You don’t like it.” Jefferson frowned. I sighed and shrugged.

“I don’t need glitter, Jefferson. Can we even afford it?”

“Would I buy you something we couldn’t afford?”

I gave him an impassive look and raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t answer that.” He amended.

“Just…” he gently grabbed me and directed me to the mirror above the fireplace.

“Look at how pretty it is on you.” I fingered the trinket lying just above by breast bone.

“It is pretty, but…” Jefferson wrapped his arms around me.

“Just think, we can commission a picture of us,” He rested his chin on my shoulder.

“Jefferson,” He feathered kisses up and down my neck.

“Put it in that pretty little locket,”

“Jefferson,”

“That way I’m always with you even when I’m off on a job.”

“You’re not taking any more jobs.”

“What?” Jefferson jerked back.

I gently pulled away so I could turn to face him.

“I need to know you’re coming home, Jefferson. I can’t live with the instability. We can’t live with the instability!”

“Instability? What instability? There’s money, a lot of it. And the Dark One isn’t going to get rid of me anytime soon.”

“Jefferson, you told me yourself some of these jobs are dangerous. What happens if you get captured, or stuck, or killed? What’ll I do then?”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“How do you know?”

“It’s not going to-”

“Jefferson, for once in your life, be realistic! This is a possibility!” Jefferson frowned.

He took a step back, taking his hat off and running a hand through his already mused brown hair. Then he rounded on me.

“You knew what I did when you married me. Are you saying that you regret marrying me now?”

“No!” I sighed. “Kinda. It’s more complicated than that, Jefferson.”

My husband outright glowered.

“Then maybe you should leave.”

What?

“Jefferson.”

“If you dislike me and this life I’ve made for us so much, maybe you should just leave.”

I shook my head furiously.

“Jefferson, it’s not like that.”

“Oh, don’t pretend Libi. I know how much you hate this place. Every time I bring you something nice, you get this impassive look on your face.”

“Jefferson--”

“No! No more excuses. I want you gone by dawn.” He snapped before storming out of the mansion.

“Jefferson!” I called after him. “Jefferson!”

I rushed after him, but stopped just outside the doors. Jefferson was nowhere to be seen: he’d Jumped somewhere far away.

 

* * *

 

_“All along I tried to pretend it didn't matter if I was alone, but deep down I know if you were gone for even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn ‘cause I'm lost without you. I know it gets hard sometimes, but I could never leave your side no matter what I say. Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now, but I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you're the only one that knows me better than I know myself.”_

* * *

 

I trudged back into the mansion, up the stairs to our bedroom.

Our bedroom…

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath to ward of the sobs rising in my chest. There had to be an old bag of mine around here somewhere. I looked under the bed, in the wardrobe, on top of the wardrobe, under the wardrobe, and I couldn’t find my old bag. Frustrated, I sorted through the dresses in the wardrobe. There had to be something from before. I found one other than the one I was wearing. I hadn’t realized… I shook my head. Now for the rest of my things, admittedly it wasn’t much, but still, they were important to me: my mother’s jewelry, my father’s dagger, the family incantus, and a handkerchief I’d made for Jefferson back when he was courting me. I had to dig through his things to find it – hidden in the secret pocket of an old jacket of his – and maybe that was wrong of me, but I wanted something to remember him by and that was the only thing I could take without a guilty conscience.

Now, where did I put that bag? I know we didn’t get rid of it. Suddenly I remembered. It was in the room next door!

… The one I was going to ask Jefferson to turn into a nursery.

I collapsed, sobbing.

“What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?” I gasped.

I was going to be raising – bearing – a baby alone. Where was I going to go? What was I going to do to support her? How was I going to survive? How was she going to survive?

What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What…what…what…?

My eyes hurt and they were hard to open. I rubbed them and blinked to adjust to the sunlight streaming into the room.

Sunlight…

I gasped as I sat up and spun to look out the window. It had to have been mid-morning. I must have fallen asleep. I was supposed to be long gone! Hopefully, Jefferson wasn’t back from Wherever yet. I slid off the bed –

Bed?

I turned to confirm that yes, I was sleeping on the bed. But how had I gotten there? I’d thought I’d collapsed on the floor. That couldn’t have been good for the – No! You cannot think about that right now! Worry later, you need to leave. Where were my things? I’d piled them on the bed, I was sure of it. I had to scurry around gathering things I’d already gathered, which cost me precious time. Then I darted into spare room. I didn’t look at anything but the floor until I came to where I knew the bag was stored. I rushed back to my – Jefferson’s bedroom to collect my things and stuff them in my bag.

“No time for neatness.” I muttered.

I looked around the room, under the bed, under the rug, but I couldn’t find the kerchief.

“I’m just going to have to leave without it.” I spun and hurried down the stairs. No looking back, you’ll just waste more time. I froze for a moment at the foot of the stairs. Jefferson was sitting in the chair I’d occupied the night before staring intently at something in his hands.

“I-I’m going now.” I choked out.

I darted for the door before he could say anything: the sooner I was out of there, the happier he’d be.

“Libi.” He called just as my hand touched the door handle.

I froze, waiting for the admonishment that never came. I took a deep breath, looking at my hands for fortification when I realized.

“Of course.” I stared down at the ring on my finger – the one piece of ornate jewelry I enjoyed wearing – to engrain its image in my mind: a silver band twining up into the shape of a rose with a purple gem in the center. It was then I realized that I was still wearing the locket Jefferson had given me the night before. I took the necklace off first; it was the easiest. I waited until I was standing before Jefferson to remove the ring.

“You’ll be wanting these back.” I ground out.

I couldn’t break down again, not now. It was going to have to wait until I was outside and a Jump or two away.

Jefferson looked between me and the jewelry. I forced myself to maintain eye contact. Suddenly, he engulfed me in a tight hug.

“I’m sorry.”

I gripped him as tightly as he was gripping me and sobbed.

“I am too.” I managed to get out.

“I am so sorry.” He whispered as he wiped my face with a kerchief.

“You were trying to tell me something last night, and I just kept cutting you off. You never get angry like that unless you’re trying to say something. I know that, I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you for that.”

“I’m with child.” I blurted.

Jefferson froze.

“What?”

“I’m with child.” I repeated. “We’re going to be parents. That’s why I was pushing you to quite Jumping. I need you here to help.”

Jefferson beamed at me before he picked me up and spun me around.

“Jefferson!” I yelped. He just laughed, then as soon as I was grounded he kissed me.

“Parents.” He breathed.

“Yes,” I smiled. Jefferson frowned.

“Wait, were you really going to leave without telling me?”

“I didn’t think – I didn’t want – Jefferson, I grew up with my parents hating each other. I was forced to pick sides and I was used as a symbol of status between them. I didn’t want our child to go through that.”

“Well,” Jefferson started, opening my hand to retrieve the jewelry.

“He won’t.” He slipped the ring back on my finger, then clasped the locket around my neck.

“Or she.”

Jefferson smiled and pecked my cheek. He went over to pick up my bag which I’d left by the door.

“About the room the bag was in,”

“What about it?”

“I was thinking we could turn it into a nursery.”

“That sounds perfect.”

 

* * *

 

_“I get kind of dark, let it go too far. I can be obnoxious at times, but try and see my heart ‘cause I need you now, so don't let me down. You're the only thing in this world I would die without. Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now, but I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you're the only one that knows me better than I know myself.”_

* * *

 

“Mama?”

“Hmm?” I looked down at my beautiful four year old daughter.

“Where’s Papa? He promised he’d play tea party with me!”

“Did he? Well, he really should know better than to be late to a tea party!” I huffed indignantly. “How about this, you get ready for your tea party and I’ll find Papa.”

“Ok!” Grace chirped.

I let the worry seep onto my face once my little girl’s back was turned. I’d told Jefferson to quit, but Jumping was what he was good at and what he loved. He’d promised only easy, low risk jobs. I just couldn’t shake this really bad feeling; he’d been gone for most of the day, which was rare enough as it was, let alone having promised to play with Grace.

The question was, did I jump to Jefferson, or stay with Grace?

Five minutes. If I didn’t find him in five minutes, I’d come straight back and play with Grace. And give Jefferson a strict talking to later.

That decided I closed my eyes and focused on my husband: how he looked, how he felt, how I felt around him. When I opened my eyes I was in the most fantastical world. I was shrunk! Or everything was taller than I. The grass lining the pathway was taller than I was, and interspersed in the grass were mushrooms just as tall in vibrant colors. I looked around for my husband, not that I could see anything other than grass and mushrooms.

“Jefferson?” I called softly. “Jefferson?”

“Who are you?”

The words were emphasized by puffs of colored smoke aimed at my face.

“I’m-” I coughed. “My name is-” I coughed again. “Libi!” I looked up at the speaker.

It was a giant, masculine sounding, smoking, blue caterpillar.

“You don’t see that everyday.” I quipped dryly.

“Why,” another puff of smoke to the face. “are you here?”

I coughed again.

“I’m looking for my husband: about yay tall, black jacket, blue eyes, messy brown hair, extra-large top hat? Have you seen him?”

“Why,” I coughed as yet another plume of smoke smacked me in the face. “Are you looking for him?”

“Because,” I broke off into a coughing fit. “Would you please stop spewing smoke in my face?”

“Why?”

“Because – Oh, for heaven’s sake! You’re wasting my time! Jefferson! Jefferson! Come home this instant! Grace is asking after you!”

“You shouldn’t have done that.” The caterpillar said before scurrying off the mushroom.

“And why not?”

A screeching roar from behind me was my answer. I turned. I screamed.

 

* * *

 

_“Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now, but I gonna need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you're the only one that knows me better than I know myself.”_

* * *

 

Damian glanced into the rear-view mirror and frowned. He reached for the volume dial and turned it down.

“Libi? Are you okay?” he asked.

Libi had her head in her hands, elbows on her knees, and fingers twisted in her hair. Her shoulders were shaking. Anya turned around in her seat.

“Solnyshka, what’s wrong?”

Libi sniffed and smoothed out her hair before wiping her tears away.

“Do you think we could stop for a while? Please?”

“Of course, solnyshka.”

“Looks like there’s a town right up ahead, we can rest there for a couple hours, eat lunch.”

“Ask for directions?”

“Yes, golubushka.”

Libi numbly watched as they passed the town sign.

Welcome to Storybrooke.


End file.
